The grim pizza
So you remember how we mentioned that Unmarked Grave?
Yeah, well... It started really piling up, and all of our guests started getting a lil snacky...
...you see where this is going, yeah?
Well, TADA! POSSESSED PIZZA!
Plus... it's fun to say! Go on. Say "The Grim Pizza".
See? ...Sounds a little like "Grim Reaper", right?
Whatever. Shut up and eat yout pizza.
The NECROPOLITAN
Okay. We’ve said this before, but even us Crypt Keepers are creeped out;
Do. Not. Eat. These.
Our most foul ghouls won’t even go near the oven; THE. PIE. TALKS… and it’s pretty f*%#in’ scary, man.
Complete with its own set of gnashing chompers, it seems like this pie has every ounce
of malice in the known universe... and maybe some from the Unknown.
Seriously, though? It gives us the creeps.
That one slice keeps licking its teeth at us.
Sweet Tooth's revenge
“Sweet Tooth” was a very nice young woman, who just happened to always add something sweet to all her foods. Everyone loved her… especially the dentists.
One day, she wanted to try to sugar up her pizza order by ordering pineapple on her pie.
The overzealous, overworked, and bitter chef that happened to have been working that day didn’t take kindly at all to her simple request.
“PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA?! No. No, not on MY pie! I’d sooner rid the world of YOU than to make this wretched abomination!”
Sweet Tooth was never found.
On the anniversary of this most evil event, that loathsome man heard a rap on his door. Upon opening, he found a gift on his doorstep.
A box.
A pizza box.
Never one to turn down fresh pizza (especially one that smelled so good even with the lid down), he set off for his kitchen; pizza box in hand.
He sat at his dark and dirty kitchen island to inspect this most welcome gift.
He heard a faint whisper:
“You should have let me have it…. MY way…”
Then the box shook.
It JUMPED!
…then quickly silenced.
“What the…”
He slowly opened the box, hearing the most unsettling of gurgles and growls.
His eyes fell on the most horrid, putrid and painful looking pie; IT HAD CANDY ALL OVER IT!
Worse? Each slice grinned back at him with a hate he couldn’t begin to fathom.
The police found his body, headless and chewed down to the sternum, with his arms still clutching his fork in one hand and a knife in the other.
Officer NoName EasyVictim looked past the body at a closed pizza box, surrounded by a pool of blood. Completely deaf to the delighted, ethereal giggles of the sated vengeful Sweet Tooth, Officer No Name said
“I hope none got on that pizza. I’m starving!”
He inspected the outside of the box. It looked dry enough. “It must be fine. Great! I know what I’M having for dinner!”
Officer EasyVictim left that gruesome scene and headed to his comfortable home for a pleasant dinner, pizza box in hand.
Shredder's PIE
Our chef had some musclebound, reeeeally big dude delivered to The Crypt; some nameless Jack in a purple suit with a can opener for a head - he looked a liiiittle like Kevin Nash… 🤔hmm . Anyway! - You know our chefs neeeeever look a gift horse in the mouth! “Nameless guy”? More like “Mystery Meat Pie”!
Chef chopped him up and threw him in the oven!
Oddly enough, this pizza came out covered in a blackened, purpley goo and sharp, pointy things. All that, and our Geiger counter started going off the rails! Meh. We figured it’s probably harmless. Cowabunga! Serve it up!
Deathperoni & CHEESE:
"TOOTH & NAIL"
We can only work with what we've got, and our chef was only able to dig up some coffin nails and some teeth.
Someone ordered a "Deathperoni and Cheese", but they're going to get something a little harder to chew!
The RETURN of the Deathperoni & CHEESE!
Okay... so this one's a wee bit old and musty. Whatever!
Someone wasn't quite so happy with their Deathperoni, so they returned it.
A new order came in, and we are NOT wasteful people!
Chef wiped off the flies and spiderwebs that he could, but some of that mess melted into the cheese.
THE POLTERGEIST PENTA-PIES
Listen...we don't know.
We were told there would be pizza when we got back from this last funeral.
We were NOT told the entire Crypt Kitchen would be transformed into a temple complete with sacrificial pyres and Penta-Pies.
Never ones to rock the casket, we ate a couple, and now a few of our crypt-keepers are a lot... well... ghoulier.
Yep. Pretty sure these Penta-Pies are possessed.
Whatever. They're good with ranch dressing!
pURGATORY 'N cHEESE
Our simple take on an old classic; The Purgatory 'n Cheese is a blend of all the good people cheeses.
One bite, and you'll see eons of pain and torment you were NEVER meant to experience! 🥳
-(Because YOU'RE one of the Good Ones, aren't you?)-
Buy the whole pie and save your soul!
hAMBURGER HILL HELPER
For all our Meat Lovers out there, we've got JUST the thing!
...and for all you animal lovers, remember;
People Don't Count!
Meats we've collected from all across the Crypt, ground together
and blended with that sweet 'n pungent "people cheese"
for a putrid pie you'll never survive!
(at least, you probably won't want to...)
We'll Hack up some new pies soon!
Check back!
